Sunday, August 20, 2006

Halloween Is Christmas

Congratulations! After a number of inquiries, you are about to be rewarded with a heartfelt and somewhat risky video blog. The text below is included in the video, but there is non-synchronis audio so I figured I'd let you come back and read it in a static form if you so desire...

I couldn't get the file to compress very much without totally losing readability, so I apologize for the large file size. but this post is mostly for me anyways, so i guess it doesnt really matter..


Yes, I know. I've not posted in months and not provided an explanation. For this, I can't decide whether to be sorry or proud.

I will confess, it has been hard to break up with someone with whom I publically created art. The breakup causes the art to change, inevitably, but how? I had no template for what to do next and so I did the only thing I could think of, and tried to keep going. But, in doing so, I snuffed out the spirit of the vlog we had together. Because it isn't mine to take. I mean it is... but it isn't. It was ours, and now it is nobody's. So why am I posting?

Since the breakup it has been very difficult for me to retain my sense of individuality in this world that is so immediately connected on level after level. I've felt like in order to move on I need to re-establish a life that is my own, that I selfishly keep away from Mike lest he influence or judge it. The problem is that if I don't erase him from my life, I will never be satisfied with what I have because i want him to be there with me. What a dilemma.. how can I erase him from my life when I know that he's watching it on a video blog?

Because of this predicament, I've refrained from posting anything. Because I know he will see it, and I'm not ready for that. I'm speaking from this moment in time, not predicting that this will go on forever or even claiming that it's been the conscious motivation behind my silence up until this point.

Anyways, I was in a mood today to clean out my life. It started with some clutter in my kitchen and went and went until I was watching all the old footage that had never been cut and sitting silently at my desk astounded at the precious moments that were hiding there, and horrified that i would now have to make a decision either to allow their existence or to delete them... I could probably argue that deleting them would be helpful in moving on, but it's hard to delete something like that, knowing that the person is no longer there to live a new moment with. So I've decided on a new form of healing. Posting it.

I have no idea why I never posted this particular clip, because it's pure magic. This is the Mike that I could never keep up with but loved more deeply than I could explain. The Mike who left me because he, unimaginably, thought he couldn't give me what I deserved. So, for the first clip that I post conciously knowing that he is probably watching... Mike, I (maybe stupidly) would just like you to know how much I miss you.

Click here for Quicktime movie (in a new window)

Runtime is 3:13

Also included in this video are Jan McLaughlin of the Faux Press, Randy Mann, and Road Node 101

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