Sunday, August 20, 2006

Halloween Is Christmas

Congratulations! After a number of inquiries, you are about to be rewarded with a heartfelt and somewhat risky video blog. The text below is included in the video, but there is non-synchronis audio so I figured I'd let you come back and read it in a static form if you so desire...

I couldn't get the file to compress very much without totally losing readability, so I apologize for the large file size. but this post is mostly for me anyways, so i guess it doesnt really matter..

*****

Yes, I know. I've not posted in months and not provided an explanation. For this, I can't decide whether to be sorry or proud.

I will confess, it has been hard to break up with someone with whom I publically created art. The breakup causes the art to change, inevitably, but how? I had no template for what to do next and so I did the only thing I could think of, and tried to keep going. But, in doing so, I snuffed out the spirit of the vlog we had together. Because it isn't mine to take. I mean it is... but it isn't. It was ours, and now it is nobody's. So why am I posting?

Since the breakup it has been very difficult for me to retain my sense of individuality in this world that is so immediately connected on level after level. I've felt like in order to move on I need to re-establish a life that is my own, that I selfishly keep away from Mike lest he influence or judge it. The problem is that if I don't erase him from my life, I will never be satisfied with what I have because i want him to be there with me. What a dilemma.. how can I erase him from my life when I know that he's watching it on a video blog?

Because of this predicament, I've refrained from posting anything. Because I know he will see it, and I'm not ready for that. I'm speaking from this moment in time, not predicting that this will go on forever or even claiming that it's been the conscious motivation behind my silence up until this point.

Anyways, I was in a mood today to clean out my life. It started with some clutter in my kitchen and went and went until I was watching all the old footage that had never been cut and sitting silently at my desk astounded at the precious moments that were hiding there, and horrified that i would now have to make a decision either to allow their existence or to delete them... I could probably argue that deleting them would be helpful in moving on, but it's hard to delete something like that, knowing that the person is no longer there to live a new moment with. So I've decided on a new form of healing. Posting it.

I have no idea why I never posted this particular clip, because it's pure magic. This is the Mike that I could never keep up with but loved more deeply than I could explain. The Mike who left me because he, unimaginably, thought he couldn't give me what I deserved. So, for the first clip that I post conciously knowing that he is probably watching... Mike, I (maybe stupidly) would just like you to know how much I miss you.


Click here for Quicktime movie (in a new window)

Runtime is 3:13

Also included in this video are Jan McLaughlin of the Faux Press, Randy Mann, and Road Node 101

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7 comments:

rob parrish said...

Sorry about your break up. I saw you recently, in your post about the mushroom soup. I was going through stuff I had saved, I like that post. It changes now, after this post.

Peace.

Matthew J said...

I'm glad to see you posting again. I want to say that I've missed your stuff, but as you said, it was you guys' stuff. I guess what I should say is that I look forward to your new stuff. Also, I'm glad to hear that video blogging is theraputic for you. If you ever want to chat about absolutely anything, even just to take your mind off things, feel free to give me an IM (matthewgravelyn - AIM). Cheers.

Dave H. said...

Hi, Serra! Thanks for taking some slow, lurching steps back into the vlogging world. You have an honest creative voice, and I'm glad to see you starting to use it again.

dskippy said...

I don't know if it's good or bad if I respond to this, but it's me, and I'm flattered you posted it. I'd totally forgotten about the clip.

For what it's worth I'm going through something similar. I do miss you too. I'm in a pretty strange place right now. I hope you keep posting art. I'm sorry.

-mike

The Faux Press said...

Hugs & kisses from Road Node 101, Serra. 'Twas bittersweet to see this footage. Good to see you taking steps, walking again. We've missed you.

eshi said...

i love you sissy! can't wait to see you in november! :)

Carl Weaver said...

Serra, you took a long time away but what you came back with (this video) is really powerful. I feel for you, still feeling your broken heart but doing this anyway. That must be really tough.

I am keeping you in my thoughts, for what that's worth. You are incredibly brave to do this video, which is so laden with emotion, even if it's just typed along the bottom and in the text of the blog post. That's really big.